I know the pasta water thing is gross, but that’s not even the grossest idea I had

So this all started when Emily tweeted


First off, can you even imagine? Watching your child eat that combination of foods? Just my imagination is REELING at the thought. Dairy + citrus is NOT ALLOWED. No! Not even that! Don’t tell me in the comments how it’s totally okay in this one situation, because it’s not. (Note: chocolate FLAVORED with a hint of citrus is different. I’m talking the juicy actual citrus fruit. It is not okay. It’s never okay. No.) Cereal commercials are great at trying to get you to believe it’s normal to drink a glass of orange juice with your Rice Krispies. You should also eat some toast and some fruit, too. It’s part of this complete breakfast. Does anyone really eat all that? I MAY BE STRAYING FROM THE TOPIC.

But anyway, this sparked a whole discussion about different foods eaten in combinations with different drinks and how all of us are gross and if you want to know all about that conversation you should clearly follow all the hilarious people I follow because this is just the sort of thing we do with our lives. It got me thinking how YooHoo is not even a little bit delicious. But more than it not being delicious, it is NOT CHOCOLATE MILK. Do you know how many times in my life I was offered chocolate milk, an offer I gleefully accepted, only to then be provided with an obnoxious yellow can of MURKY CHOCOLATE-HINTED WATER? It’s like someone took a Hershey’s Kiss, dropped it in a pot of old pasta water, and then started ladling it into cans and serving it to children.

I just googled, and that’s actually how they make it. Huh.

You know what else drives me nuts with chocolate? When you excitedly order a hot fudge sundae from somewhere, completely expecting a thick velvety chocolate topping, and you are served ice cream topped with Hershey’s syrup. THAT IS NOT THE SAME AS HOT FUDGE. It’s not even in the same category! I know this, because when I made the categories, I filed “hot fudge” under “YES PLEASE” and “Hershey’s syrup” under “BUT WHY?”

Trust me. I am a LIBRARIAN.

You guys, we have to stop the madness! I don’t really know how, but we have to! Because these things are not even sort of chocolate. And before you start thinking I’m some crazy chocolate snob, let me assure you, I AM NOTHING OF THE SORT. No. My proof is that my favorite hot fudge comes on a sundae from McDonald’s. I know. So. Not a chocolate snob, just someone in possession of a tongue with fully operational taste buds.

AND. TOOTSIE ROLLS. Look, I love Tootsie Rolls. Even more than that, I love the big old bag of Tootsie Roll mix. I EVEN LOVE THE DOTS. My brother and I used to fight over the Dots. Dots are awesome. But Tootsie Rolls? NOT CHOCOLATE. The flavor of a Tootsie Roll is “tootsie roll,” Mr. Wonka, and I will accept NO OTHER answers. Really, you’d think Willy would have more respect for chocolate. Do the Oompa Loompas really believe they taste like chocolate? I doubt it. You’d get drowned in the chocolate river for so much as suggesting it.

What am I forgetting here? I know there are other foods out there masquerading themselves as chocolatey goodness, but I’m so hot with YOOHOO TOOTSIE IMPOSTOR FUDGE rage, I can’t remember what they are.



Filed under Not even kidding

25 responses to “I know the pasta water thing is gross, but that’s not even the grossest idea I had

  1. Our office candy basket (yes, my job rocks sometimes) currently contains a lot of chocolate flavored Laffy Taffy. There aren’t enough words for no.

    • I didn’t know that existed, but I’m going to warn my children of its existence immediately. Look away from the imitation chocolate food product, children! It will only taint your SOUL.

  2. shriekhouse

    Anything grape flavored. DOES NOT TASTE LIKE A GRAPE!

    • This is true of so many flavors! I think watermelon is the worst. Watermelons taste SO GOOD but watermelon-flavored things taste like science.

  3. I am clearly not following ENOUGH of the “right” people on twitter as I only saw pieces of that conversation, but it was awesome. I continue to want to follow you around with a RETWEET shirt, but TJ won’t share it, so whatever.

  4. You like Dots? DOTS? And you question my orange-juice-with-pizza choice?


    What next, Bit ‘o’ honey?

  5. Yes to all of that. Except the Dots. My husband eats the Dots happily. I find them too sticky. Hershey’s chocolate anything is pretty gross. I don’t like it, it makes the back of my throat feel achy. I don’t think I’ve ever had YooHoo and now I will most definitely avoid it. I don’t even really like regular chocolate milk, unless it is hot chocolate.

    • The stickiness is the whole point! (I realize that makes no sense.) I never liked chocolate milk, either. If I did have it, it had to be from the Nestle’s Quik powder. NEVER Hershey’s syrup.

  6. ebj123

    I’m still emotionally scarred by my early childhood when my mother tried to give us carob instead of chocolate. CAROB IS SO SO SO SO SO SOOO DISGUSTING.

  7. Dots and tootsie tools are both gross. I don’t like sticky foods. Even caramel. Just thinking about it makes me feel like my teeth are stuck together and I can’t get them apart, aaaaaaah.

    • That’s how I feel about peanut brittle or cashew brittle. Any kind of brittle, really. It’s a HARDER stickiness, which is what gets me. I can totally see how Dots and Tootsie Rolls would be the same way.

  8. Obviously that’s supposed to say tootsie rolls. Maybe I should think about proofreading.

  9. I find that most things that think they are any of the following flavors are absolutely lying:
    Blue Raspberry

    Who’s even SEEN a blue raspberry?

    Also, chocolate milk is best when made with Qwik… is that how that’s spelled? The one with the bunny… right?

  10. a) I enjoy Hershey’s syrup in milk. But it is totally a letdown if it’s put on ice cream in place of fudge. Syrup does not equal fudge. That’s simple math.

    b) Other “chocolate” things that bear no resemblance to chocolate: brown Necco wafers and brown salt-water taffy. Not even close.

    c) I am not a huge fan of chocolate, just in general, so my mom would always get me white chocolate things for Easter and other chocolate-centric holidays. (Well, chocolate-centric in our family. Apparently we are heathens.) White chocolate bears no resemblance to chocolate. (I don’t even think it’s ACTUALLY chocolate, but am too lazy to search for proof.) And it is not an acceptable substitute. What is acceptable? Nerds. Even though Nerd flavors bear no resemblance to actual flavors of actual things.

    • YES. The Necco wafers. My dad buys rolls of JUST the brown ones. They’re OKAY in the regular roll. Like, excusable. I can get by eating one with all the other flavors to distract me. But an entire roll, father? He complains that they are hard to find. THERE IS A REASON WHY.

      Nerds win all.

  11. barbetti

    People actually put Hershey’s Syrup in place of fudge? This is a thing? I never, EVER, would have attempted to violate my ice cream in such a way. I get disappointed when I order a hot fudge sundae and receive just fudge on my soft serve. Where’s the nuts? And the cherry? In fact, just last weekend I ordered one from sonic and when I received it, Stephen asked what my problem was (apparently, I looked like someone just kicked my hypothetical puppy). NO NUTS NO CHERRIES. It was sad.

  12. Megan

    The hot fudge = hershey’s syrup mentality is one of my huge pet peeves in life. They are most certainly NOT INTERCHANGEABLE! Glad someone else feels the same way!