Monthly Archives: October 2011

Writing it all down to get it all out

SO! More adventures in the land of Leo. If you follow me on Twitter, you can probably skip most of this. It’s just more of the venting. And maybe slightly more explanation than I give in 140 characters. Times a thousand, since that’s roughly how many tweets I spew out after each and every doctor’s appointment. But! Spoiler?

I am done trying to figure this out with the doctors. Just … I’m done. I mean, unless it gets really really really bad again. (OMG PLEASE DO NOT GET REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD AGAIN.) They are providing none help. Every improvement we’ve seen in Leo has been by MY research and experimentation. I feel like a gigantic wang for saying that, but it’s seriously true.

Well, either that, or he has slowly slowly healed over time and I had nothing to do with it. But I wouldn’t suggest suggesting that to me, because I’m cranky. All I eat is oatmeal and tears. And not even tears anymore, because who knows what’s in those. Probably fluoride.


HAHAHAHA. I just typed up the whole story! Over 1000 words’ worth! Then I tried to read it back, and I just couldn’t. Maybe I just needed to write it all out beginning to end or something? Closure? Who knows. What I DO know is that none of you needed to read that. Well, maybe some other woman who is googling around the whole internet trying to figure out what’s going on with her baby might need to read it, but I already deleted, so I AM SO SORRY CRAZY LADY. If you come over to my house I will tell you the whole story and make you a nice pot of water and peas or something. Maybe we’ll add salt if we’re feeling fancy.

I’m just so ready for this to be over, you guys. This has been the most frustrating and drawn-out experience of my life. I honestly and truly cannot think about other things! Well, when he’s doing badly. When he’s doing WELL, I’m all LA LA LA WE HAVE FINALLY FIXED THE PROBLEM!

You should see my reaction when he next has a bad diaper. Oh, it is not pretty, you guys. It is not pretty at all. And then I do the super healthy thing and take it out on everyone around me.

But we’ve been sans (visible, anyway) blood in the diapers for over three days now. I added back a few vegetables that should be low enough in the salicylates for him to tolerate them. I might start some digestive enzymes soon to see if that helps him at all. I don’t suspect we’ve seen the last of the blood, but I do know what I have to eat to make it go away again. I figure I’ll keep pushing the boundaries of what I can eat and maybe by New Year’s I’ll be able to eat something crazy! Like plain chicken!

I just know I’m done going to doctors and saying, “I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out what is irritating him and I’ve stopped eating it and now he is doing better. Do you think he will outgrow this?” only to have them tell me they’ve never HEARD of what I’m telling them is going on.

Look, I will admit, I don’t think he has a TRUE salicylate sensitivity. I think salicylates irritate the GI tract, and I was ingesting dairy and soy and whatever the actual allergen was that initially caused the allergic colitis, and then we loaded him up on salicylate-laden ranitidine syrup (peppermint flavoring? salicylate PARADE) and it did a bunch of damage. Damage that has slowly but surely begun to heal over the last two months. I think removing those irritating foods from my diet has done him WORLDS of good. I’m not trying to diagnose him with some rare, ridiculous, zebras-not-horses disorder. Mostly I’m telling the doctors this because I think there’s a chance it MIGHT help other women breastfeeding babies with allergic colitis. Hey! Look into food chemicals! They might be continuing the irritation!

Really. That’s ALL.

But instead, they just tell me they’ve never heard of it. Then they forget about us the second we walk out the door. And then another woman walks in with the same problem, and no one can tell her what is wrong, because that thing they’ve never heard of? THEY WOULD HAVE JUST HEARD OF IT IF THEY HAD BEEN LISTENING.

(I’d like to add that our general pediatrician DOES think I’m onto something. Or else he is just familiar with my brand of crazy and knows I won’t shut up about this and is nodding along politely. I don’t really care which it is, I WILL TAKE IT.)

I don’t even know where I’m going with any of this. I guess I needed to get it all out. Put it out there on the internet, however NOT SUCCINCT it may be, just in case. My little ribbon on the internet for salicylate sensitivity awareness.

I do want to thank each and every one of you who has listened to me vent about this, either over Twitter, or IM, or the phone, or email, or in person — you have all held me up through this, and I would have crashed and burned long ago without the encouragement you’ve given me. I KNOW it is all I ever talk about anymore, and I cannot wait for the day this is just some awful, awful memory that I can look back on and through the fog of hindsight can determine I was probably overreacting and overthinking and overdoing and overtrying and overeverything. Ing.


Filed under Little lion man, Motherhood uncensored, Probably too serious

I know the pasta water thing is gross, but that’s not even the grossest idea I had

So this all started when Emily tweeted


First off, can you even imagine? Watching your child eat that combination of foods? Just my imagination is REELING at the thought. Dairy + citrus is NOT ALLOWED. No! Not even that! Don’t tell me in the comments how it’s totally okay in this one situation, because it’s not. (Note: chocolate FLAVORED with a hint of citrus is different. I’m talking the juicy actual citrus fruit. It is not okay. It’s never okay. No.) Cereal commercials are great at trying to get you to believe it’s normal to drink a glass of orange juice with your Rice Krispies. You should also eat some toast and some fruit, too. It’s part of this complete breakfast. Does anyone really eat all that? I MAY BE STRAYING FROM THE TOPIC.

But anyway, this sparked a whole discussion about different foods eaten in combinations with different drinks and how all of us are gross and if you want to know all about that conversation you should clearly follow all the hilarious people I follow because this is just the sort of thing we do with our lives. It got me thinking how YooHoo is not even a little bit delicious. But more than it not being delicious, it is NOT CHOCOLATE MILK. Do you know how many times in my life I was offered chocolate milk, an offer I gleefully accepted, only to then be provided with an obnoxious yellow can of MURKY CHOCOLATE-HINTED WATER? It’s like someone took a Hershey’s Kiss, dropped it in a pot of old pasta water, and then started ladling it into cans and serving it to children.

I just googled, and that’s actually how they make it. Huh.

You know what else drives me nuts with chocolate? When you excitedly order a hot fudge sundae from somewhere, completely expecting a thick velvety chocolate topping, and you are served ice cream topped with Hershey’s syrup. THAT IS NOT THE SAME AS HOT FUDGE. It’s not even in the same category! I know this, because when I made the categories, I filed “hot fudge” under “YES PLEASE” and “Hershey’s syrup” under “BUT WHY?”

Trust me. I am a LIBRARIAN.

You guys, we have to stop the madness! I don’t really know how, but we have to! Because these things are not even sort of chocolate. And before you start thinking I’m some crazy chocolate snob, let me assure you, I AM NOTHING OF THE SORT. No. My proof is that my favorite hot fudge comes on a sundae from McDonald’s. I know. So. Not a chocolate snob, just someone in possession of a tongue with fully operational taste buds.

AND. TOOTSIE ROLLS. Look, I love Tootsie Rolls. Even more than that, I love the big old bag of Tootsie Roll mix. I EVEN LOVE THE DOTS. My brother and I used to fight over the Dots. Dots are awesome. But Tootsie Rolls? NOT CHOCOLATE. The flavor of a Tootsie Roll is “tootsie roll,” Mr. Wonka, and I will accept NO OTHER answers. Really, you’d think Willy would have more respect for chocolate. Do the Oompa Loompas really believe they taste like chocolate? I doubt it. You’d get drowned in the chocolate river for so much as suggesting it.

What am I forgetting here? I know there are other foods out there masquerading themselves as chocolatey goodness, but I’m so hot with YOOHOO TOOTSIE IMPOSTOR FUDGE rage, I can’t remember what they are.


Filed under Not even kidding

It’s uh-me, dashoff-o

Seriously, I don’t know that anyone should watch this. I mean, clearly you should, because there was effort put in on my part (not really) and it’s super entertaining (it’s not).

I should have gone into sales!

But anyway, LOTS of ladies who are going to the Blathering (and some who are NOT) have been doing these accent vlogs, and I decided if I was going to keep whining at people to do them, I should get with the program and make one myself. (Note: no one asked me to do one. I’m just ASSUMING that everyone wants to hear my lovely voice.)

Because last year? At the Blathering? I HAD NONE VOICE. NONE.

So here I am! (I apologize for the weird background sound … my Macbook is a few years old and the microphone probably has a Cheerio in it or something.)

If you want to join in, here’s what you’re supposed to do:

Say the following words:

Aunt, route, wash, oil, theatre, iron, salmon, caramel, fire, water, sure, data, ruin, crayon, toilet, New Orleans, pecan, both, again, probably, spitting image, Alabama, lawyer, coupon, mayonnaise, syrup, pajamas, caught

And answer these questions:

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?

What is the bug that curls into a ball when you touch it?

What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?

What do you call gym shoes?

What do you say to address a group of people?

What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?

What do you call your grandparents?

What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?

What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?

What is the thing you use to change the TV channel?


Filed under Not even kidding

Failing by way of setting yourself up to succeed

So hey! I had a baby! He’s really cute and doesn’t let me eat anything but rice and beans, but I guess I’ll keep him anyway. But let’s not talk about that.

See, okay. We moved into our house over five years ago. We moved in here with one not-yet-fully-cooked baby in the ol’ uterus, and now we’ve got three actual children. A lot can go down in five years, apparently.

Now, I’ve talked before about how bad I am about decorating the house. I even wrote a post like a year or two ago (I’d go looking for it, but then I’d read it and realize it says all the stuff I’m about to say and that would ruin EVERYTHING) about how I hate stuff but I was going to make an effort and maybe paint some walls or get throw pillows or whatever it is you people who are good at this just do ON A WHIM.

I haven’t done any of those things. What I HAVE done is have more children so I have the I’m Too Busy to Decorate excuse. Okay, I didn’t have them JUST for that, but the early baby days suck and I need some benefit.

I did try to do some things! I swear! And what I did was hang this picture frame I got from an end cap at Target for CHEAP (orange stickers, my precious). See, it’s one of those MONTAGE frames or whatever they are supposed to be called. You can put lots of pictures in it. A multi-picture picture frame. But I asked Matt to hang it before I actually had photos printed to put in it, at which point it had ALREADY been sitting in a closet collecting dust for at least six months.

“If we wait around for me to pick out pictures and order prints, we’ll be waiting forever. If you hang it now, the stock photos will annoy me and I’ll be more apt to order prints.”

You guys. YOU GUYS.

HE HUNG THAT THING OVER A YEAR AGO AND IT STILL HAS NO PICTURES IN IT. My family teases me every time they are here. But do you know how many photos we have? DO YOU EVEN KNOW? And if I HAD put photos in it over a year ago, do you think they’d still be CURRENT? I had a four-year-old and a one-year-old back then! Did you read the part above about a whole extra child? I WOULD BE BEHIND ANYWAY.

And please. Don’t think I’m writing this to be all ISN’T IT ADORABLE HOW MUCH OF A SLACKER I AM? Be amazed by my precious personality quirks! No. Not that. Because I hate that. I hate when ANY OF YOU do that. Really. It makes me crazy. That’s why I’m disclaiming all up in here. Because this? This is a PROBLEM. It’s a problem I have JUST figured out I even have. Because.

That’s not the only thing like that I’ve done. This morning my brother (I love you, Scotty! I’m not mad about this! We ALL do it!) came by to hang out with the kids (and me, sort of, I guess, possibly, I mean we are RELATED and all) and tracked in a little bit of dirt. NOT a big deal. But it would be even LESS of a big deal if there were a mat inside the front door on which to wipe one’s feet. (We have one OUTSIDE the door, but it’s a piece of crap from IKEA, and I swear it just makes our shoes DIRTIER.) We used to have a mat there! We really did. For like the first year we lived here. Then it got ratty. So you know what I said?

“Let’s just throw it out. If we leave it there, I’ll never bother replacing it, because every time I see one in the store I’ll think, ‘We already have one. It’s dirty, but it’s good enough.'” So we threw it out.

YUP. STILL HAVEN’T REPLACED IT. In fact, it has been so many years since we even had a mat there, I’d forgotten it was an OPTION. I haven’t even been looking! Just sweeping up little piles of dirt by the front door on a near daily (FINE, weekly, if we’re lucky) basis.

Do you do this? Try to trick Future You by setting up a situation in which she is GUARANTEED SUCCESS only to have her laugh in your face? I AM MAKING IT SO EASY FOR YOU, FUTURE ME. Man. It’s almost like she’s exactly as smart as I am.


Whatever. It’s not like my photographs could possibly be more awesome than these.



Filed under Home Improvement, Not even kidding