First off — the earworm? You are SO WELCOME. It’s been in my head all morning.
If I were a pop star, you probably wouldn’t have heard of me. Not because I’d be all INDIE and MUSIC SNOBBY and NE’ER A SELLOUT, but because I wouldn’t want anyone to have heard of me. So maybe not so much a pop star as a pop … black hole? Like, probably I exist, but science can’t really prove it yet.
I’d just be singing stuff, all Glee-style, rocking it out on YouTube. Hairbrush microphone and puppet backup singers.
It’s the stuff big dreams are made of, folks. It’s not like just ANYONE can go on YouTube like that.
Here are some reasons, in case they aren’t blatantly obvious, why I’d make the WORST pop star ever:
- I cannot walk in high-heeled shoes. No, I cannot. I’m serious. I REALLY can’t. Not even those shoes. You know, the ones that are so easy ANYONE can walk in them. Uh-uh. So I’m a pop star in flip flops.
- I always wear underpants. How the hell am I going to land on any trashy gossip sites if I’m always wearing underpants?
- I refuse to thwart the rules of grammar to make fetching song titles. I would have called the song “Skater Boy”. EDGY.
- I don’t have a cool middle name I can pretend is my last name, thus making me sound all whatever the point of doing that is. It’s Patricia, folks. Is there a LESS pop star name out there than PATRICIA?
So, as you can see, a pop star I am no–
I could be (wait for it …)
Nevermind, dudes. I got this. I’ll see you on the TUBES.