If I don’t blog again for a while, you’ll know it’s because the monkey ate me. OR it could just be that I forgot. Again.

Plague. Misery. WOE.

There! You’re caught up on 2010 around casa dashoff.

It hasn’t been all bad. Not even a little bit all bad. But there have been a lot of colds and fevers and new teeth and bumps and scrapes and my NOSE is currently ILL in some way. It’s gross, is what it is. Sore and dry and gross and gross and my goodness I haven’t blogged in forever and now I’m talking about my NOSE ISSUES.

But, seriously. It was actually swollen the other day. I swabbed the inside of one nostril with Neosporin + Pain Reliever. It says not to be taken internally, but that’s not really the same thing, right? Plus, it’s the kind made especially for kids. So it won’t really kill me or anything, it will just make me crazy in the head.

I probably should have warned you that I’m high on Neosporin + Pain Reliever right now.

(And yes, I’m clearly being paid by Neosporin + Pain Reliever to write this. I hope I dun ’em proud!)

The real reason I’m writing this today, dear friends, is to alert you to a bit of a situation going on in my home town in that there is a MONKEY ON THE LOOSE.

Let me back up here and explain something to you. I? Am afraid of animals.

That’s not really something I usually go around just telling people, but it’s true. Pretty much all animals. Dogs, especially. Maybe I watched too many cartoons as a kid, but I just see thought bubbles over their heads starring me as a tasty roast chicken. With those little floofy white things on my drumsticky legs. (What the heck are those things, anyway? Are they just for decoration, or do they serve some purpose?)

Also birds. They will poop on you and then peck out your eyes while you try to clean yourself up. Bugs, obviously. Cats, though mostly just my brother’s cat, who has given me GOOD reason to fear him, as he once sent my mother to the ER needing stitches because she made the mistake of patting him gently. Squirrels, we’ve discussed.

Anyhow, one of my greatest fears is being mauled to death by a rogue zoo animal. Or a rogue wild animal. Probably when it’s killing me I’m not going to get a chance to find out where it came from.

This might be less of an issue if I didn’t live in Florida, where one can just happen upon an 8 foot alligator. I really, truly wish that was an exaggeration. (I’m pretty sure I don’t know a single Floridian who hasn’t seen an alligator eat an animal right in front of them. “GROSS!” you’re probably thinking, but no. No. The only thought you think in that moment is “PRAISE THE HEAVENS IT WAS NOT MY FOOT!”)

As you can imagine, going to a place like Busch Gardens is a ton of fun with me. I eye the habitats suspiciously, figuring the smart animals can probably find a way around that big FAKE ROCK NICE TRY, ZOOKEEPER. And it’s the smart ones you don’t want running loose, because the smart ones can both duck authorities AND find a good place to hide my body.

I’d really like my family to have something left to hold on to. Even if it’s just one of my twitchy, twitchy limbs.

So, ANYWAY. There is a monkey loose. Excerpted from The Tampa Tribune:

A monkey that has eluded capture in the Tampa Bay area for more than a year has again escaped from Florida wildlife officials. Authorities were called to a neighborhood in St. Petersburg on Wednesday when the rhesus macaque monkey was spotted. It was twice hit with tranquilizer darts, but still got away by ducking behind a drug store and a church.

Wildlife rehabilitator Vernon Yates says the tranquilizers don’t appear to affect the animal, though officials have increased the dosage each time they’ve used the drug on the monkey.

Yates says the monkey is smart, even stopping to check traffic before crossing a busy street.

Officials didn’t say how the monkey got loose. They say it isn’t considered a threat to humans.

This thing is out there, lurking in neighborhoods. It could be behind my grocery store! Tranquilizers are useless against it, and it is smart enough to look both ways before crossing the street. Holy hobgoblins. And not a threat to humans? Have these people not seen Planet of the Apes? This here monkey is the one that will start it all.

I mean, look at him:

That is no monkey. It is a goddamn NINJA.

I just hope we have someone better than Federal Wildlife Marshall Willenholly on the job.



Filed under Not even kidding

11 responses to “If I don’t blog again for a while, you’ll know it’s because the monkey ate me. OR it could just be that I forgot. Again.

  1. As if that wasn’t terrifying enough, actual Fox News Headline: “Feces-Throwing Monkey on the Loose in Tampa Bay”


    That, coupled with this ridiculous map of it’s prior whereabouts…

    …makes it seem like some sort of sick game. “Dodge the feces-throwing monkey! Where will he show up next??”

    • Ian

      Ahh, well, based on that map, after initially heading eastward to throw everyone off his tracks, he’s now clearly making his way toward Sarasota. So you guys have nothing to worry about; he won’t be heading back your way.

  2. LOL @fatmosh’s comment… holy crap. And this post is both hilarious and terrifying ALL at the SAME TIME. Please don’t get killed by a monkey. Or a gator.

  3. I used to run by Lake Alice in Gville and it freaked me OUT when gators would just be laying around by the side of the road like 3 FEET FROM ME and holy crap I ran faster. It also made me bat-shit-crazy (no correlation to the bat house directly next to Lake Alice) to see people with dogs running loose near the gators and also people who should not procreate letting their kids throw fries at gators. I had to leave the scene many times.

    Also? At the zoo in the Alligator habitat I have to walk in the middle of the path and I will not go near the fences. No way, no how. And I don’t like hubs to hold the kids up for fear they might lunge forward to get a better look and therefore get eaten.

    Now? I’m going to have nightmares.

    Can you tell I’m terrified of alligators? Not the GATORS like football awesome-ness and such… but the scaly ZOMG-GONNA-EAT-ME-VARIETY.

    I’ll stop commenting now. Since this is epic and such now.

  4. Cracking up. I’m the opposite – a total animal freak. But monkeys though? Always been a little “ew” with them. Hoping he’s caught SOON (or else I fear that he’s bound to end up in my backyard where half of Tampa’s wildlife seems to show itself). Stay aware and look dominant or something! 🙂

  5. Ian

    First, those dozen monkeys escape from Lowry Park Zoo by swimming away from their island. An island they’d been put on because MONKEYS AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO SWIM. Now you’ve got a monkey roaming round who’s IMMUNE TO TRANQUILISERS. What are you people DOING to your monkeys?

  6. That’s a pretty serious monkey… he’s EVADED capture multiple times? He’s a criminal mastermind.

    My MIL lives in Florida & she is forever updating us on the random wildlife that invades her back yard. She discourages us from bringing our chihuahuas to visit her because she says a puma is going to leap out of the trees and eat them, or a hawk swoop down from the sky and steal them.

    Florida’s DANGEROUS.

  7. Jaded Perspective

    I SO FEEL YOU. I live in SWFL as you know and the animal shananegans are out of control. You need to always check the map before leaving the house. Just sayin’. BTW you are one of my fav reads and I just heart you, so please don’t get eaten by a wild animal. K thanks.

  8. I think you may be my long lost twin. I hate animals of every kind especially dogs and birds……urrrggghhh! I’m not sure I could bring myself to leave the house if there was a Monkey around!!!!!

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