In a land of no consequences, my fridge would be filled with Diet Coke, and the freezer would hold naught but Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Rich people keep weird crap in their fridges.

Like, whoa.

I mean, apparently.

I’ve never been in a rich person’s house and looked in their fridge.

Last night I was talking to my best friend who recently abandoned me moved to California to work for Disney as an inventor or Mickey Mouse enthusiast or programmer or something (he’s got a Ph.D., so it could be ANY of those.) He’s all put up in some bizarre corporate housing for a month, with magic beds that unfold from the wall like an 80s sitcom and internet roughly as enjoyable to use as AOL pre-3.0, while he looks for a more suitable place to live.

He sent me a link to the floor plan of a studio apartment he’s looking at, because, like, is there something better to be doing online at midnight with friends? So I’m looking, and I jokingly remark, “But there’s no fridge shown in the floor plan! BALEETED.” Basically, I thought I was being a smart ass.

“YOU’RE RIGHT!” He said. Then he explained that tons of apartments out there don’t provide a fridge. You have to rent or buy your own.

So it has a washer/dryer included, but no refrigerator.

Seriously? What the hell do I need a washer/dryer for if there’s no place to keep the pudding I will end up spilling on myself? (Sorry, I can’t do those shelf stable Handi-Snacks puddings. Jell-O or bust, dudes.)

Now, because it’s midnight and I’m on the internet and the baby just woke up to nurse AGAIN, I’m interested in the going rate for refrigerators these days, because I’ve never had to buy one before. (A house I have bought, but never a fridge.) So I hop on over to Sears.com to get the party going.

For poopoos and hahas (that’s how we say it in front of the kids, and this IS a family blog, after all) I ranked them by descending price, revealing to me the most expensive fridge they sell is around $8000.

EIGHT. THOUSAND. DOLLARS.

Are you kidding me?

(Of course, what do I know? Probably rich people have $20000 refrigerators and this is a regular person fridge but I have absolutely no idea. The cheap fridges started at $400, if you’re curious, which I’m not sure why you would be, because this isn’t exactly a fridge-buying guide, but now you know, so you’re welcome.)

More interesting than the price, though, are the pictures from inside the fridge that are supposed to entice me to yearn to make it my own. The special spaces! Deep freeze drawers! An ice dispenser that will inevitably get broken within one week of the warranty’s expiration (in the wrong direction)!

It’s morning now, so I’m not sure this is going to be as funny as it was to me after midnight, but check this shizz out, y’all.

Rich people leave things uncovered:

Fridge - Top Right

I love how they’ve arranged the figs to resemble a pair of ducks.


Rich people have 2-3 of every type of beverage:

Fridge - Bottom Right

Get me one that dispenses sangria, and we’ll talk.


Rich people are prepared for fancy entertaining AND pregnancy at all times:

Fridge - Bottom Left

Is that a bag of celery? Wilted asparagus? … Frog legs?


Rich people have excellent taste in dessert:

Fridge - Top Left

Well, they’re no Jell-O pudding snacks, but they’ll do.


Aaaand … there’s not much point to this post beyond me needing something better to do on Friday nights, which I am just realizing now after I’ve written the whole thing out.

(Anyone a little bit curious about the food they show in the $400 fridge? I’m thinking last week’s pizza and the purple stuff from an old Sunny D commercial, when it was still Sunny Delight, before these punk kids started abbreviating everything under the sun. Those were the days, no? I wore an onion on my belt [as was the fashion at the time …])

So. What would you keep in YOUR $8000 fridge? (Because falling back on audience participation as a means of closing off a post is always a way to win their undying adoration! You heard it here first, folks.)

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16 Comments

Filed under NaBloPoMo, Not even kidding, Photo essay

16 responses to “In a land of no consequences, my fridge would be filled with Diet Coke, and the freezer would hold naught but Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

  1. Richy

    First of all I know quite a few short phds who worked as Mickey mouse and loved it :). And there’s nothing wrong with being a Disney enthauist.
    Of course in my $8000 fridge I wouldn’t know what was in it since my cook and butler would take care of that. It would simply be the magic box with the cold inside.

  2. Hmmm… that fridge wouldn’t hold a body particularly well, so it is of little use to me.

    But, the less criminal side of me says LOTS AND LOTS OF COKE (the drink, not the nose candy) and Peanut Butter M&Ms.

  3. Jaded Perspective

    THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD BLOG. Sorry I was yelling, but come on. You are hilarious and fridges are mad expensive yo. I have had to buy a few. I will give you a pro tip, should you ever find yourself in the poopy situation of having to buy one. We go to the scratch and dent place. We got front load washer and dyer set for half the price of just the washer. I don’t even know where the so-called scratch is. My fridge and stove are from there too. It’s awesome and super classy. Scratch and dent.

  4. I don’t know. All I know is that I love you for “BALEETED.” ❤

  5. I love this post. I love it when people notice things in the background and point out the ridiculousness of it all.

  6. I would totally dig having the open cider situation in my fridge. SPILLS? NONE OF IT. THIS BADASS WAS 8,000 DOLLARS. SPILLS CLEAN THEMSELVES/GET TURNED INTO ENERGY.

    (one would hope, right?)

    Fridges are intense. Wow.

    That meat wedge is frightening.

    Just,
    Wow.

  7. You are hilarious! I laughed so hard I almost woke the baby sleeping on my chest. Especially I love the labels. Awesome.

    And BALEETED makes me want to go watch Strong Bad emails.

  8. Vic

    I’d be too scared to put any food in an $8k fridge – it’s only go off and ruin the thing anyway!

  9. Cryogenically frozen lobster. THAT IS FUNNY. I love you, Diane. I LOVE YOU.

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  11. Rich people love meat wedges. I don’t know what it is but I’m always seeing celebs toting them around on TMZ. It goes supremely well with grocery store pie. Great “getting to know you” post and I look forward to meeting you in Chicago! Woot for the Blathering!