Today a Twitter buddy of mine posted the following request:
Seeing as I’ve been getting very little sleep and haven’t felt like writing, I figured the least I could do was help out a blogger who needed a nice, empty canvas away from prying eyes. Please do be enjoying.
I was inspired by a writer on Aiming Low to write a ‘letter’ of how I really feel about something (but that I’ll never send). So here I am. Writing it.
No one will know who you are, so don’t worry about it. And if you ever find this, you’ll probably not realise it was me. And even if you do, I think I have reason for feeling so crap.
I walk around school and laugh with friends and you don’t even realise that I feel bad for what I said to you.
I was trying to protect you. But do you give a shit? Hell no. You’re far more interested in your YouTube vids and your new twitter account and getting a zillion followers.
Did I mention that I kinda hate you?
I did like you. I do like you. Sort of. You’re cute and you’re witty and, as a boyfriend, you’d do pretty well.
But you’re not a vegan. I am. I don’t want to run up just to see your face when I see someone that looks like you a little bit. And I need that in a guy. I need a spark. A pull.
Sure, you’re a great person.
But you should’ve felt something. I decided I didn’t feel as much as you, and that I wouldn’t feel as much as you in the long run, so I said no.
You said you liked me. A lot. You pretended that you weren’t hurt, but I know that you were lying. And I know that for a fact. We both have people reporting on the other.
So, why the hell do I feel like shit, while you go on with your peachy little life making your peachy little youtube videos?
It’s funny, isn’t it? I felt less, yet I now hurt more.
I don’t want to be your enemy, but a part of me seriously wants to put you in that category.
‘cuz God knows that the past few week has provided me with enough opportunity to make more enemies.
Today I missed you. Can you believe that? I MISSED you. What. The. Fuck.
You don’t deserve to be ‘missed’. You don’t deserve my guilt or my remorse.
I’m thinking of making my first vlog post. You inspired that. I don’t know if I’m going to.
I bet that makes you feel great. I bet that makes you feel better than me. Or in control. Or that you ‘beat’ someone a year older than you.
But I don’t agree. You lied to me. And not just about your feelings. You lied. And that cut me. That made me venemous. That made me hateful.
I may feel guilty. I may feel uncomfortable. I may miss you from time to time.
But my God, I am no liar.
And you know what? That makes me 100x better than you. I have my integrity. What do you have?