Monthly Archives: October 2009

Girl Talk Thursday – Ideal lunch date

My father was adopted.

It’s not something I think I’ve brought up here before, but it’s something I plan to revisit in the future. The effect it’s had on him, on his family, on our family. The positives and negatives and the way it has always made me want to go out into the world and find a little boy or girl who needs a family. It’s part of who he is and it’s part of who I am.

I love my grandmother. Grandma Honey, we call her. She’s 96-years-old and lives over a thousand miles away from me. Roo gets her middle name from her. She is my hero, because she has loved my dad like he was her own. She is my mother’s hero, because without her? None of what we have would have been possible. She saved my dad. I believe that with all of my heart.

We have one picture of my dad’s birth mother. He finally found her, after years of poring over old phone books and fighting to have sealed adoption papers opened. She had died about 15 years prior. To say it was heart-breaking news is an understatement. The answers we will never have could fill books. He did meet her nephews, though. We got some bits and pieces. Her name. And one picture of a woman a little bit older than I am now, who looks a whole lot like me. Who loved math and order. I like to think she’d have liked me.

When I was in 6th grade, we were given a discussion topic in my Gifted class. If you were given a time machine and could only go back to one point in time, what would it be? Everyone wanted to go back to meet all sorts of famous people who died long ago. Athletes. Politicians.

I wanted to go back to the day my dad was born.

My teacher almost cried.

So, to be the sappy one of the bunch, my birth grandmother would be my ideal lunch date. I am desperate to know her. Not because I don’t love my Grandma Honey, my REAL grandmother, but because I see that picture of her and feel like we both missed out on something.

I would want to go to her favorite place to eat. I would ask her who my father’s father is. Did he have any other children? Do I have aunts and uncles and cousins out there? She never had more children. Giving up my father, the result of an affair with a married man, broke her heart, and it never healed.

She’s the missing piece. A mystery I’ve been solving in my head for over 10 years, as my own eyes and lips face me from that frame.

9 Comments

Filed under Girl Talk Thursdays

Friday Love List

I adore Lori of How Are You Today? I’m Superfantastic. If you aren’t reading her, you are a living a life of deadpan deprivation. Every once in a little while, she posts a Friday Love List, and we all know that I am a sucker for any blog post that can be formatted as such. It’s just … way too early for structured paragraphs. (I offer you, as evidence, THIS ONE.) Without further adieu, I present to you things that I currently finding pleasing and lovable.

F-U Penguin

quesadillas with sour cream

wearing flip-flops in October (SILVER LININGS, people)

peanut butter and raisin sandwiches

friends who visit from far away

talking in secret code

Sue Sylvester (You sunk my battleship. You sunk it hard.)

Will Schuester

Oh, fine. The entire cast of Glee.

famine

sarcasm

movie checkouts from the library

FRIDAYS

Now TAG! You’re it.

What’s turning your pupils to little pulsating pink hearts this week?

4 Comments

Filed under Friday Love List

Girl Talk Thursday – Vices

Is there a vice that involves the neglect of one’s blog? No? Then I suppose I’m out of excuses.

All attempts at intro-ing this bad boy are FALLING FLAT, so let us jump right on in to the bullet points.

  • The Internet. Let’s just get that one out of the way. It’s a PROBLEM. I know it’s a problem. I’m attached to my laptop for most of the day. But it’s where my friends live! It’s, unfortunately, also a fantastic way of hiding from the real world and the people all around me. It’s become a ginormous security blanket, and unplugging seems downright SCARY. I might miss something! Which brings me to …
  • DRAMA. I’m not (usually) in the business of creating drama, but I can’t help but watch. I’m a huge people-watcher in the mall, but the intertubes make it so much more convenient. Internet troll shenanigans and huge public arguments on Twitter? I’m usually behind the scenes, IMing with someone, speculating on what’s gone down. I should point out, I’m only talking about drama that involves me in absolutely no way. THAT sort of drama is to be avoided at ALL costs. It also has to be real-life and people I know in some context (internetally counts here). Reality TV drama? Doesn’t cut it. Can’t stand the stuff.
  • Worrying. I know that’s probably not technically a vice, but I worry to the extent that it is both harmful and over-indulgent. I worry to have control over a situation, and it makes absolutely NO sense intuitively … but I’m pretty sure my worrying has saved THOUSANDS of lives by keeping all of my flights in the air.
  • Flirting. Uh. Probably one of my favorite pastimes, hands down. Pretty sure I’ve had some friendships based solely on our high caliber of flirtation. Makes me miss working at the library too, because EVERYONE wants to flirt with the librarian. (P.S. I swear I’m not a ho.)
  • Daydreaming. Sometimes? The world is just better up in my head. My imagination never shuts off, and I spend great stretches of time just moving things in my life around and playing WHAT IF? I count this as a vice, because it cuts into the time I could be thinking about more important things. Like hanging up the wash to dry. Or world peace. Or where I might score my next Diet Coke.
  • Diet Coke. OMGLOVE. I just … inexplicably … love this stuff. When we used to buy soda, I’d limit myself to one can per day, but we don’t buy it anymore. Artificial sweeteners BAD! But, oh, Diet Coke. I miss you. And even though I can’t bring you home to live with me forever, I will totally get freaky with you in secret every chance I get.
  • Seasonal goodies. Very appropriate at the moment. Much like the Diet Coke, I try not to buy candy or cookies or anything like that. If I buy it, I will eat it. But then the holidays roll around, and this crap just starts pouring in my windows and out my faucet and OH MINI-BABY RUTH BARS I WOULD BATHE IN YOU IF I COULD. Somehow it seems like it’s just FINE to over-indulge in something if it’s something you don’t get to do very often. Flawed logic FTW!

Now it’s your turn, my pretties. I gots me some candy corn and Twitter-flirting to get to.

13 Comments

Filed under Girl Talk Thursdays

Guest post – I am no liar

Today a Twitter buddy of mine posted the following request:

Picture 1

Seeing as I’ve been getting very little sleep and haven’t felt like writing, I figured the least I could do was help out a blogger who needed a nice, empty canvas away from prying eyes. Please do be enjoying.

*~*~*

I was inspired by a writer on Aiming Low to write a ‘letter’ of how I really feel about something (but that I’ll never send). So here I am. Writing it.

No one will know who you are, so don’t worry about it. And if you ever find this, you’ll probably not realise it was me. And even if you do, I think I have reason for feeling so crap.

I walk around school and laugh with friends and you don’t even realise that I feel bad for what I said to you.

I was trying to protect you. But do you give a shit? Hell no. You’re far more interested in your YouTube vids and your new twitter account and getting a zillion followers.

Did I mention that I kinda hate you?

I did like you. I do like you. Sort of. You’re cute and you’re witty and, as a boyfriend, you’d do pretty well.

But you’re not a vegan. I am. I don’t want to run up just to see your face when I see someone that looks like you a little bit. And I need that in a guy. I need a spark. A pull.

Sure, you’re a great person.

But you should’ve felt something. I decided I didn’t feel as much as you, and that I wouldn’t feel as much as you in the long run, so I said no.

You said you liked me. A lot. You pretended that you weren’t hurt, but I know that you were lying. And I know that for a fact. We both have people reporting on the other.

So, why the hell do I feel like shit, while you go on with your peachy little life making your peachy little youtube videos?

It’s funny, isn’t it? I felt less, yet I now hurt more.

I don’t want to be your enemy, but a part of me seriously wants to put you in that category.

‘cuz God knows that the past few week has provided me with enough opportunity to make more enemies.

Today I missed you. Can you believe that? I MISSED you. What. The. Fuck.

You don’t deserve to be ‘missed’. You don’t deserve my guilt or my remorse.

I’m thinking of making my first vlog post. You inspired that. I don’t know if I’m going to.

I bet that makes you feel great. I bet that makes you feel better than me. Or in control. Or that you ‘beat’ someone a year older than you.

But I don’t agree. You lied to me. And not just about your feelings. You lied. And that cut me. That made me venemous. That made me hateful.

I may feel guilty. I may feel uncomfortable. I may miss you from time to time.

But my God, I am no liar.

And you know what? That makes me 100x better than you. I have my integrity. What do you have?

*~*~*

You can catch more from Matt here, and follow him on Twitter here.

Comments Off on Guest post – I am no liar

Filed under Guest post