There are worse ways soap operas could have screwed me up, but I guess I’m only on my first marriage, so there’s still time

As I said on the Twitter last night, we’ve got PINWORM all up in our house. All up in one very small part of our house, anyway, and that one very small part is Roo’s bottom. I’m hoping that’s the only spot, anyway. PLEASE LET THAT BE THE ONLY SPOT. I mean, we already all got the HAND FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE, so maybe this can be the one highly contagious thing only one of us gets? Ha. Ha.

Let me pretend.

Well, no, if we only get ONE of those passes, then I’m saving it for the HEAD LICE.

It took me way too long to figure out. She’d been sleeping poorly for weeks, but I thought it was just the holidays. Then a growth spurt. I didn’t even associate it with the hands-down-the-back-of-the-pants we caught her doing a couple of times, because, well, 3-year-olds just DO that sort of thing. Then yesterday she actually complained about incessant itchiness, and my Mom Brain kicked in. Thankfully the pediatrician trusted my assessment and called in medicine without us having to scotch tape her nethers. (Though we did, the two of us, go in there with a flashlight last night to check things out, and I don’t ever want to do that EVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE except I have to again TONIGHT so we can keep an eye on Vio to see if she needs to be treated as well. AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A TAPEWORM PARTY.) So anyway if around 10PM tonight you’re wondering what Matt and I are doing, think of us fondly with a pig-shaped flashlight trying not to wake the children with the cries of our 21-year-old selves who really had no idea what hilarity would befall them.

I like to think if our life were a movie, there would be shots of us in our carefree college days, doing the typical college student things — jigsaw puzzles at 4AM and going to movies at the student union on Friday nights and drinking way too much Dr. Pepper, whatever we were totally awesome — mixed in with flashes forward of all the poop-related hijinx associated with child-rearing.

Except I don’t really do that just with flashes forward (I keep wanting to call them FLASH FORWARDS, but NO, DIANE. NO.) Especially with things like this PINWORM situation. There must be a moment, out there in space and time, where Roo picked UP the PINWORM. I keep seeing things in slow motion, as though there is some magical camera that RECORDED the moment that they would then use the footage of in a sitcom or something. Slow motion as she wipes her mouth while sitting in the grocery cart! A (canned) gasp from the (fake) studio audience! Or after holding hands with her friend down the street who unknowingly has the same affliction! AUDIENCE GROAN. As I’m trying to launder everything in the house (I NEVER STOP DOING LAUNDRY LIKE I SAID LAST WEEK AND I EVEN CAUGHT UP ON IT AND THEN BRAGGED [TO ROO, FOR SOME REASON] THAT I HAD CONQUERED IT AND NOW BLAAAAH) I keep picturing stills of two microscopic PINWORM eggs resting within the tangles of Rapunzel’s hair or wafting gently through the room (THEY CAN DO THAT) and settling on one of Leo’s biting toys.

I also do it with lost items. Whatever I’m missing, I’m imagining someone at home is getting a shot of the item, panning out and fading to black. The back to my earring! LOOK UNDER THE BED, DIANE! IT IS UNDER THE BED, JUST BEYOND WHERE YOU CHECKED BEFORE!

You guys, I do this ALL THE TIME. And the worst part is, part of me ACTUALLY BELIEVES IT. I seriously, a tiny bit, believe that I could find that thing I lost if only I could see the FAKE SURVEILLANCE VIDEO.

Of course, applying the Temerity Jane Rule of the World, I can’t be the ONLY one who does this, so out yourselves! We can have a crazy little party up in here!

I just pictured shots of each of you calmly closing this tab and finding something better to do. You are all SO screwed when I get my hands on the footage.

7 Comments

Filed under Motherhood uncensored, My girls, Not even kidding

7 responses to “There are worse ways soap operas could have screwed me up, but I guess I’m only on my first marriage, so there’s still time

  1. Joke’s on you, Diane, because I don’t HAVE anything better to do.

  2. Oh yes. And I also narrate things in my head for blog posts. When I invent the brain-to-blog software, everyone is so screwed. I don’t think of mine so much as security footage, but more as the filming done by the sitcom crew. So I am apparently imaging a full film crew following me around.

  3. Pinworm? Isn’t that the one that used to cut away to the Picture Pages segments with Bill Cosby?

  4. TOTALLY. YES.

    Also: so so sorry. gah. Fingers crossed that nobody else gets it because… well. duh.

  5. I don’t do that exactly, but I DO picture, in incredible detail, each and every terrible car accident that could have happened if I see someone cut another car off, or merge without a blinker, or whatever. I picture it life-flashing-before-your-eyes style. I’ve been doing this since college, I think because so many semis tried to squash my car on 81 driving between home and school.

  6. Oh dear. I have a Darker Version of this… quirk. I find myself looking suspiciously at air vents and ceiling cracks, CERTAIN that a creepy landlord/lascivious previous owner/perverty real estate agent has planted a video camera to capture my every movement.

    Moving on from THAT bit of crazy: PINWORMS! That sucks! I have been afraid of those bad boys ever since my husband studied them in med school and GLEEFULLY informed me what they were. Ew. I hope you have a Pinworm Free Home VERY SOON.

  7. Becky D.

    I will pray for the nasty things to be gone quickly. We’ve had the lice trauma a few times the last 2 years and it is AWFUL. I’m still horrid about our T not touching any hats in the store, at the library dressup area (I really need to ask them if they think it’s a good idea) The last round she must have picked up at our Y’s drop off care so I’ve given up on exercise by myself. There’s a veggie tale song that mentions lice and I shudder every time I hear it.